For a long time, I thought rest was the answer to all my problems.
If I could just sleep more.
If I could just get through the week and rest on the weekend.
If I could just take a holiday.
Surely then I would feel better.
But I didn’t.
The Kind of Rest I Was Taking
On paper, I was resting.
I slept in on weekends.
I chilled on the couch after work, when I wasn’t drinking away my stress…
But sleep itself had become difficult.
My body didn’t know how to switch off anymore. My mind would keep going long after the lights were out… stressing about what is in store tomorrow, am I going to have an angry client calling, will the staff all show up for work, will I be able to perform, and so forth. Eventually, I needed medication just to fall asleep – and later, to stay asleep through the night.
There were periods where I couldn’t go to bed at all without it – I knew this was a problem, but at that moment, the problem of being tired outweighed the fact that I might be addicted to sleeping meds.
Even then, the sleep wasn’t restorative.
I would wake up tired, heavy, and foggy – as if my body had been working all night instead of resting.
Rest Without Safety
What I didn’t understand at the time was that rest only works when the body feels safe.
I could lie still, but my nervous system was still on high alert.
I could sleep, but my body never fully powered down.
I could be “off work”, but internally I was still bracing for impact.
Medication helped me sleep – but it couldn’t convince my body that it was safe.
True rest isn’t just the absence of work.
It’s the presence of safety.
Why Time Off Didn’t Help
Weekends didn’t bring relief.
Holidays didn’t reset me.
Even when I wasn’t working, my body stayed tense. My thoughts kept circling what still needed to be done, what might go wrong, what I might be dropping.
I wasn’t recovering – I was simply pausing the pressure long enough to keep functioning.
There was no exhale.
No true sense of resting.
The Missing Piece
What was missing wasn’t more sleep, more days off, or stronger medication.
What was missing was nervous system regulation.
My body had learned that life could change in an instant.
That loss could arrive without warning.
That stability depended on staying alert and capable.
So even in the quiet, my body stayed awake.
I wasn’t failing at rest – again… my body was protecting me.
What I Know Now
You cannot sleep your way out of survival mode.
You cannot holiday your way out of chronic stress.
You cannot force rest on a body that doesn’t yet feel safe enough to receive it.
Rest matters – deeply. More than one would think.
But safety comes first.
Looking back now, I don’t see those nights as weakness.
I see a body that had been running for too long, afraid to let its guard down.
Rest didn’t work because my body was still trying to protect me.
And when it could no longer do that quietly, it began to speak in other ways – through my weight, my exhaustion, my body’s quiet signals. That is when I began to truly listen.
Leave a Reply